GRIFTING GOLF, BUBBA’S SHRIMP, SWEET KKKAROLINE, BE COOL!

Despite the panic on Wall Street over the Trump tariffs fiasco, the president claimed he was “doing just fine” leading up to his annual physical exam on Friday, posting on Truth Social that he “never felt better,” and that the visit to Walter Reed Army Medical Center “must be done.” Jimmy Kimmel said on his show, “It’s funny ’cause the rest of us have never felt worse,” predicting Trump would get an “excellent” report if it should be released — pointing out that his promised release of medical records during the 2024 campaign never happened. Kimmel quipped, “Let me guess, his physical strength and stamina are extraordinary, his blood pressure is astonishing and he is by far the healthiest president to have single-handedly tanked the world economy overnight. This man has the Diet Coke button-pressing strength of a man half his age.” Since the July assassination attempt, though Trump’s stamina and strength have been scrutinized, Dr. Marc Siegel says the miraculous survival showed an “adroitness” in the MAGAt leader. Last October over 230 doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals asked for a release of records, with supporters of VP Kamala Harris claiming, “With no recent disclosure of health information from Donald Trump, we are left to extrapolate from public appearances. And on that front, Trump is falling concerningly short of any standard of fitness for office and displaying alarming characteristics of declining acuity.” In November, Florida neurosurgeon Dr. Brett Osborn told Fox News Digital that the president remained in good health, and, “The fact that he attended 120 events in seven months, often multiple rallies in a single day in different states, is proof-positive that Trump has a tremendous amount of stamina, mentally and physically.”

As expected, the Sunday following the Medical Center exam, the White House physician released a memorandum declaring Donald Trump “fully fit” to perform the duties of the presidency, citing his “frequent victories” in golf tournaments as evidence of his robust health. The memo included details of lab work, physical exams, a skin exam and a cognitive test, conjecturing (considering that Trump himself filled in some of the blanks on the document) that The Don is in “excellent health.” Alexa Lisitza reports on BuzzFeed that the president has reportedly spent 18 out of his first 69 days in office on one of his golf courses — working on his swing one-fourth of his second term. From a 2019 Government Accountability Office report, a HuffPost analysis concludes his golf outings have cost the taxpayers about $26,127,531. Social media comments called taxpayer money used on golfing as wasteful, and that DOGE should be looking into reducing this waste of funds, especially since the outings are taking place at Trump-owned facilities where significant chunks of money go directly into his pockets since his entourage of staff and secret service must use the golf carts and other club amenities — no discounts for the help! Another post called his golf habits “the least of my worries, when he’s talking about a third term, with conservatives pretending they care about the Constitution when they demonstrably don’t.” “I’m far less concerned about him golfing than I am with him kicking off wars all across the globe with former allies. Quite frankly, him wasting time golfing is time he isn’t signing more fascist executive orders,” contributed another. Many prefer that he remain on the greens, summed up by UmpireMental7070: “I wish he’d play golf every day. He does less damage to my retirement fund there.”

Chris Hayes of MSNBC’s ‘All In With Chris Hayes’ sees Trump running the US economy like a mad king, saying, “You cannot build a factory or set up a supply line if there’s someone in charge who might burn it down today, or tomorrow, or in 90 days.” Making the US economy analogous to a house in which Trump ignited a fire with his sweeping tariffs, only to watch it burn until he lost his nerve, Hayes says he put out most of that fire, desiring high praise for doing so. Now we’re left with partial, smoldering destruction, unsure of its habitability or whether or not another torch will be thrown into it. Nobody knows, as the domestic and world markets soothe the burns of a loss of over $10 trillion in value following Trump’s initial announcement. Stocks tumbled the day following, and with White House Press Secretary Leavitt’s statement that the president would not change his course, the third day brought another stock plummet — followed by Trump’s social media post asking everyone to “BE COOL! Everything is going to work out well.” A few minutes later he posted a hot stock tip, “THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY!!” Hours later, Trump got cold feet and authorized a 90 day pause on the tariffs, but not before many government officials had taken his hot stock tip seriously and loaded up their portfolios with depressed stocks just in the nick of time as markets rebounded dramatically. Hayes calls Trump, “One erratic man with unilateral power who flits from whim to whim, imposing whatever tariffs he wants whenever he feels like it, doing it mostly to feel powerful and respected to have the rest of the world ‘kiss his butt.’ He is so pleased with himself for saving a few rooms in the house he set on fire. He is also deluded. Prices are still almost certainly going to rise, and growth is likely going to fall. We are still in for that pain. The threat of a global trade war still exists. Fox Business’ Charles Gasparino alleged Trump backed down because…it could destabilize the debt of the US federal government.” Little known fact from history: As Rome burned, Nero signed an executive order on improving shower heads.

A large holder of US bonds — Japan — was allegedly ‘dumping’ its bonds, forcing the administration’s hand. T-Bonds are a foundational asset of the entire global financial system, a famously safe haven in uncertain times, contributing to America’s status as a superpower, with China and Japan being the biggest holders — and not very appreciative of Trump’s antagonistic moves. So with their dumping of bonds, Trump admitted that these actions contributed to his 90-day pause of tariffs, saying, “They were getting a little bit yippy, a little bit afraid…the bond market is very tricky. I was watching it. But if you look at it now, it’s beautiful…I saw last night where people were getting a little queasy.” Chris Hayes says, “Trump thinks that by pressing the PAUSE button and goosing stocks, he has fixed everything. But that gets at another reason why demand for American Treasury bonds is down: the full faith and credit of the US is not what it used to be — not when it is entirely bound up in the whims of one man. You cannot run a national economy — much less a global economy — based on how Trump is feeling and who is kissing his butt from hour to hour.” Stephen Colbert commented on Trump’s ‘BE COOL’ post and his remark that people were “getting yippy,” saying, “Yeah, exactly, Russia was watching Trump tank the economy and going, ‘Yippee!'” On Trump’s boast that the markets had the “biggest day in financial history,” with the S&P 500 index making its largest gain since WWII, Colbert pointed out that ‘biggest’ isn’t the same as ‘best.’ “That’s why on Mother’s Day you don’t give her a mug that says, ‘World’s Biggest Mom,'” he cracked.

A writer on Quora posts: “Our reputation will lie in tatters. Our economy will almost certainly be smaller. Prices will be higher, so quality of living will drop. But that’s the easy part of the forecast. The harder bit? How long it will take to recover. One of the things we learned in Trump’s first term is that a lot of things we thought were laws were really norms that could be ignored by a man without shame or decency. I expected Biden’s four years would be filled with patching those holes, though to a lot of progress was not made due to the split in Congress. Then Retribution Trump returns, and this time even things that are clearly against the law are being violated with impunity. Congress has rendered itself irrelevant, and Trump is now taking aim at both lawyers and the federal courts — which Mike Johnson suggested they just might get rid of, three co-equal branches of government notwithstanding. And we’re only two months in. At this pace, it’s hard to imagine how little of our core principles will be done by the time The First Convicted Felon finishes raping the country. And getting consensus on how to fix the foundational damage will be made worse by the economic issues listed at the outset, as No-One-Has-Time-For-That when you’re struggling to put food on the table. I’ve been asking some smart people how long it will take us to recover. Even among the most optimistic, the fastest prediction I’ve heard is 25 years. Most say, ‘not in my lifetime.’ Which is terrifying.”

Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update host, Colin Jost, started off the segment last week quipping that POTUS “tried to rescue the economy from the disastrous policies of whoever was president last week” with the 90-day tariff delay, and saying, “It’s like listening to Bubba Gump talk about shrimp.” About Trump’s statement that the economic downturn was like treating an ailment, co-host Michael Che declared, “Yeah, but this feels like we took a whole bottle of medicine with a glass of vodka and laid in a warm bath.” Che got a rise from the audience with his one-liner: “It was reported that Elon Musk personally appealed to President Trump to stop his tariff plan, and it worked! The stock market went up like this,” as a photo of Musk and his infamous Nazi-like salute appeared on-screen. Jost ripped Trump and his chaotic tariffs, as well as the tech CEOs who claimed not to see it coming. “The CEOs of many tech companies who supported President Trump’s campaign have said they were surprised by all of his tariffs — well, yeah, I mean, he hardly ever mentioned them,” he said, which was then followed by a video montage of 2024 campaign promises about tariffs he would enforce if elected. The montage concluded with Trump maintaining, “I love tariffs!” Jost added, “Trump announced he was pausing most tariffs for 90 days. Now, 90 days may not seem like a long time, but remember: Trump has only been president for 82 days. Already it feels like a goddamned decade.” Che addressed Trump’s argument that it would be better if America manufactured all its own products, saying, “A new report shows that if iPhones were manufactured in the US, they could cost up to $3,500, which is a lot, but remember: your kids would get an employee discount.”

Jon Stewart in his Daily Show opening recently, said, “Our economy is in the midst of a beautiful metamorphosis, turning from a simple caterpillar into a dead caterpillar,” as he introduced a new segment called ‘Trade Wars.’ Stewart derided Trump with a news clip of a Truth Social post reading, “Don’t be Weak! Don’t be Stupid. Don’t be a PANICAN,” as he suggested better nicknames such as ‘hystericats,’ ‘Repussicans,’ and ‘cryin-tologists,’ suggesting Trump’s nickname factory must have been shut down in the tariff war. To the lack of response from Republicans, who don’t seem fazed by the economic ripples, Stewart says, “You are all acting like the tariff regime is a tried-and-true remedy. Oh, and of course, this is the medicine that’s always prescribed! Except the last time it was tried 100 years ago we had a Great Depression.” He closed his monologue by musing on the overall issue with the tariffs. “We continue to blame everybody else in the world that we designed and policed after WWII. We’re the richest country in the world, ever! We’re not the world’s victims. If we have inequalities in this country, that’s on us. It’s not a supply problem, it’s not fair trade for the most part. It’s an investment and distribution problem — it’s our fault. And it’s not saying we can’t make adjustments and renegotiate things, but it didn’t have to be this reckless. You killed the hostage and then went, ‘Oh, ransom?’ Hey mom, look, no economy!”

Tom Boggioni writes in his piece on Raw Story, that White House insiders have no clue what Trump’s tariff endgame will be. Politico’s White House Bureau Chief Dasha Burns was asked where the president sees the tariff game going, or is it just sort of ‘every day is another adventure?’ Her reply: “Well, he said this week it’s all about instinct, right? Look, remember how much we were reporting at the outset of this administration that chaos is the strategy? That’s how he’s going about what he’s doing with DOGE. That’s how he’s going about so many aspects of his agenda. He’s doing that with tariffs as well. He wants to keep everyone off balance, he want people to come to the table and negotiate and wonder, you know, how they’re going to do with the White House. The problem is that uncertainty and chaos is not good for markets. It’s not good for consumers and it’s certainly not good for the global economic order and the question of what the endgame is. I think a lot of people around Trump are asking themselves the same thing right now.” Fox News contributor Karl Rove advised President Trump and his administration to stop all the ‘happy talk’ as concerns over the economy grow, urging the White House to ‘temper’ its language around tariffs. Rove explained that consumer sentiment has dropped by 11 points in the last month according to the University of Michigan index, only being worse during the 2008 recession. Rove reminds us: “The important thing to remember is trade makes us richer.”

White House Press Secretary KKKaroline Leavitt was asked why consumer confidence was so low, only to reiterate Trump’s claim that this marked a “period of transition,” and that he “wants consumers to trust in him,” and they should trust in him. “I think there’s great optimism in this economy, great optimism for the American people, a lot of reason for the people to feel optimistic. The president made it very clear when the US is punched, he will punch back harder.”  A writer on Quora posts that “whether Leavitt attended Harvard, or Yale, or a community college isn’t important and it doesn’t appear on her résumé since the job qualifications needed are few — needing only to be a loyal Trump supporter, able to regurgitate everything he says. You can see by the irritable way she responds to questions, even thought that’s her job, that she is simply repeating trigger words and phrases — repeat, defend and praise. That’s it, except for the interjection of a scowl or a condescending remark, or a derogatory comment about Joe Biden which likely gets her brownie points from Daddy, and especially if she makes sure to be rude to as many people as possible while ‘answering questions.’ She doesn’t have to be good at her job as far as providing factual information — she has been proven wrong right to her face as she spews lies to the public. Her job is to honor and worship Trump, promote his false sense of reality, be nasty to any members of the press who oppose his viewpoint, and blame everyone else — no college degree necessary.”

And speaking of education, Education Secretary Linda McMahon spoke on an educational panel last week where she reportedly mistook artificial intelligence (AI) for A.1. Steak Sauce. While discussing the impact of AI on future education and workforce skills innovations, she confused the vinegar-based condiment with artificial intelligence, making the same error repeatedly as she spoke — a bit of an oversight to the former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment. “Kids are sponges. They just absorb everything. It wasn’t all that long ago that it was, ‘We’re going to have internet in our schools! Now let’s see A1 and how that can be helpful.” Even though the neighborhood kids come home reeking of vinegar, if it’s beneficial, who’s to say otherwise? McMahon’s blunder went viral, and A.1.’s marketing team seized the day by creating an image of a new bottle of their sauce reading, ‘For education purposes only,’ posting it on the company’s Instagram account with the text, ‘Agree, Best To Start Them Early.’ Social media exploded with roasts, critiquing her intelligence, with one person posting, “We’re ruled by the stupidest, most incompetent people in the world,” and another wrote that A.1. Sauce “will help students, and the smarter kids can move up to Thousand Island Dressing.” McMahon is working to dismantle public education and it’s encouraging that she evidently has a head start on everyone.

Satirist Andy Borowitz writes in his The Borowitz Report, that “Attorney General Pam Bondi found a ‘serious breach of the Department of Justice’s code of conduct,’ and that she had terminated a career DOJ employee who was caught with a copy of the US Constitution on his desk. Bondi said that the employee, who had worked at the department for 37 years, had ‘raised suspicions’ by using ‘telltale phrases like due process’ in DOJ memos. At Bondi’s direction, US marshals ransacked his office, discovered the offending document, and frog-marched him out of the building. Bondi took the opportunity to remind all DOJ staffers that the US Constitution is on the Republican Party’s banned reading list.” Earlier this month, the US Naval Academy removed 381 books from its library shelves in response to President Trump’s executive order banning diversity, equity, and inclusion materials and policies in federal facilities. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth ordered the Academy to review its titles listings and remove books promoting DEI, whereupon the Academy officials identified nearly 900 books for review, afterward releasing the list of the 381 removed items. Trump’s order against DEI did not apply to US military academies, but Hegseth took it upon himself to order complete compliance, prompting school officials to also remove historic items honoring Jewish female academy graduates, later declared a mistake, with steps being taken to restore the removed pieces. Hegseth’s aggressive push to erase DEI programs and online content has been met with questions from angry lawmakers, local leaders, and citizens over the removal of military heroes and historic mentions from Defense Department websites and social media pages. House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries was quick to point out that Hegseth and the Naval Academy bans works by Maya Angelou, and works on slavery, the civil rights movement and the Holocaust, but excludes Adolf Hitler from its directive. Watch this space…and watch for lots of smoke from the burning pyres.